Only those things are beautiful which are inspired by madness and written by reason. -Andre Gide
Monday, December 13, 2010
In my life I have done one thing that I really, truly regret. I started smoking. I’m not going to give away the particulars of the whens and wheres, but suffice to say,I was too young to be doing it and I knew better. It’s something that until a little over a year ago I still did on a regular basis. I quit in October of last year, but this time of year I feel the familiar urge to imbibe.
When I quit it wasn’t a challenge for me. Like most people who quit, I had quit several times before and I would sometimes even go a couple of months without so much as a drag, but it was always hard and I was always irritable. When I quit last year, it wasn’t a challenge. There was no struggle. I woke up one morning and smoked the last Marlboro Menthol in my pack and decided I was too lazy to go to the store to replenish my supply. I stayed lazy for a day or so before I realized that if I had lasted a day or two, I could last a lot longer than that. So I did. I have the urge occasionally to light one up, especially when I come across my Sig Arms Zippo lighter dad gave me, but I’ve always stayed strong. I’ve seen what smoking can do to someone’s health and the potential ruin it can have on a family, but sometimes all I can think about is that first draw off of a freshly lit cigarette and how, if it’s been a little while, it makes you feel light headed.
My smoking habits always seemed stress induced; the more nervous or apprehensive, the more I would smoke. On a good week I’d smoke a pack or a pack and a half in the entire week. If it was a bit more stressful there were times it was a pack a day. Lately I’ve even been getting the familiar shaking of my hands when my body is convinced I need to light up and after meals it’s all I can do to not purchase and pack and fill my lungs with that oh-so-tasty cancer. I’m weak, what can I say?
The holidays stress me out, specifically with my job and it’s becoming harder every day to fight the urge. I will prevail though like I have every day for the last year and change but some days, today in particular, it sucks. If you’ve never smoked, I beg you, don’t ever start.
Thanks for the comments on yesterday’s blog! Keep the suggestions coming and I’ll post a poll tomorrow.